Deadpool and the Angry Giant

November 05 2014: Fenris, Constantine and Melinda May are all drawn to the scene of an incipient disaster… named Deadpool

Gotham City Street

This is a nice area for Gotham. Too bad it's about to be stomped on.



  • K'nert

Mood Music:
[* None]

Fenris has detected… well… he's not sure. It's bad though. Like, Elder Gods blow up the world, eat the sun and dance on Odin's Corpse Bad. He tears a hole open in space and time, steps through it and emerges in a trendy, upscale area of Gotham City. And everything seems normal. People are going about their business, businesses are putting up thanksgiving and christmas decorations and nothing seems world endingly bad here. Not even the local fasion sense.

Then he catches a scent on the wind. One of mexican food and gunpowder and insanity and knows, instantly, what drew him here.

"Deadpool…" He breathes.

There's the sound of a door slamming. It's quite odd, because it sounds like a heavy wooden antique door, and to Fenris' ear, it's completely out of place. Also, the doorway has manifested absolutely in the middle of nowhere- right in the middle of the busy walkways, standing like a forlorn modern art sculpture. His face dark as a stormcloud, Constantine strides towards Fenris, his heavy trenchcoat flapping in the wind. It's not his normal one- it's a dark London Fog affair, a charcoal grey and made of a more modern material. "Bloody hell, do you have to go punching holes through reality every time you need to stop in Gotham?" he demands of the Wolf, coming right up on him. "Pulled me six weeks off course. I was trying to get back and find the blasted gel who stole my good trenchcoat. Where's the fire, eh?"

Ain't that crazy? Supernatural beasties thinking you're some kind of horrible cosmic worry. Looking at you like you turning up is probably the worst possible thing that could happen to the Multiverse since Galactus and the Borg got all hot n' heavy over on Earth-1029283B. You think a Borg Queen is bad? Imagine one with planet-sized body image issues.

"You're kidding?"

Not even a little bit.

But that crazy quiver in the time-space continuum wasn't just little old Deadpool. Well, not entirely. Nearby, the top window of a multi-story office building explodes outwards as a figure in red and black Deadpool duds comes flying through it. Alongside his usual attire, he's sporting a horned helmet and a chainmail overcoat that looks to have been partly melted by some sort of intense flame. He falls towards the sidewalk, hitting it with a crack and a splat that sends a brief fount of gore around him.

I am become the human inkblot.

He's not left alone for long, however. Soon after, what looks to be the stereotypical depiction of a Viking save for flesh that looks like molten rock leaps out of the same window. Almost ten feet tall and thickly banded with muscle, the Viking lifts a two-handed axe the size of a Buick over its head as it plummets towards the prostrate Pool.

"Bring thy face to mine axe, jester! And feel the wrath of Baugi, mightiest of the Muspeli!"

Maybe it's something about the first Tuesday in November. Elections, political gatherings everywhere, people randomly appearing on GOtham sidewalks seemingly out of nowhere…

Mayis one of those 'appearing out of nowhere' people today, but not by choice. One moment she was rather decisively getting her ice cream sandwich back from a cat-sized little imp of a demon, the next moment she's stumbling slightly on a sidewalk in Gotham. Her eyes take in her new location quickly, and then she mutters a VERY vile curse. In Mandarin.

Fenris glances over at the sudden new arrival of Melida May. This does not bode well. Fire Giants, as the residents of Muspelhiem are known, are tough customers and while he does not doubt May's courage, she is after just an at the moment unarmed mortal. Not for long though.


Fenris takes his necklace off. It sprouts into a dao which he flips so he's holding it by the blade. "Take this."

That's all he says. Hopefully she takes it because he's already starting to warp and change. This may be a new one for May. It won't be for constantine though, the Old Wolf becoming as he actually is. A large (well small for him, only the size of a car) midnight black wolf with coal red eyes. "Hey! Ugly! Over here!"

"No, that's fine! I don't need a SWORD OR ANYTHING!" Constantine shouts after the fast-moving wolf, scowling irritably. He jams his hands in his pockets, dithering for a few moments, then starts walking towards the impending battle with a speed that's quick but somehow dithering at the same time. He's clearly in no hurry to pick a fight with a fire-giant. In fact, he pivots in place and walks a few paces back towards his door, before screwing his eyes shut and turning back toward where the legends of Icelandic Hard Rock are about to tear into one another.

"What do you want me to do, eh? Stand back here and chuck bloody MAGIC MISSLES AT HIM?!" he shouts at Fenris again, sounding very irritated.

May's eyes snap toward Deadpool and the… lava giant for just a moment before Fenris tells her to takes the NecklaceSword. No real choice here, so she takes it. And then the gangly Brit over there starts bitching up a storm and she only manages to refrain from rolling her eyes by employing decades of SHIELD training. She steps over to the nicotine-reeking man and offers him a small object from a pocket. "Try this." It's a cartridge of the compounding Simmons and Fitz have been working on for their 'Night-Night Gun'. That name REALLY needs more work.

"Come on, Baugi," Deadpool groans, climbing to his feet as bones audibly reset themselves, "Virginity is a relative term these days. And besides, fire giant girls? Please, I was doing a public service — "

"Cease thy japery!"

Baugi cuts Deadpool off both mid-sentence and mid-shoulder. His axe hurtles down through the air, slicing cleanly through flesh and leaving the Merc's arm flopping around on the street like a dead fish.

"Hey!" cries 'Pool, sounding more indignant than actually hurt, "I was using that."

But Baugi is already turning to face his next opponent, in this case the giant wolf glowering and threatening him. He lunges forward with the axe, swiping at him.

"I shall have thine head, too, Fenris wolf! And Surtur shall reward me heartily!"

Taking the opportunity, Deadpool begins to search under nearby cars for his missing arm. Somewhere, the detached limbs hand curls into a fist and extends its middle finger.

It is quickly and abundantly clear why Fenris does not care for fighting fire giants. He ducks the first blow of the axe and presses his attack home…. and immediately the scent of burning fur fills the air. Claws rake and fangs flash. The wolf ignores the pain for now but this is literally out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Constantine frowns at the bullet and rolls it between his fingers. He fishes in his jacket and produces a full-sized pistol that couldn't possibly have fit into there without sagging the material, at a minimum, and fumbles to feed the round into the gun's chamber. He moves to where he can get a good line of sight, and the instant Fenris and Baugi break from the snarling melee, Constantine cuts loose with a single round, aiming right for Baugi's chest. He lowers the barrel of the gun a few inches, curiousity on his face as he waits to see what the 'Night-Night' bullet will do.

Melinda May doesn't bother to wait for Constantine's reply. The moment he accepts the dendrotoxin cartridge is in his hands she's running toward the fight. Lava giant. Fastest way to fight fire? Water. She looks around, then sprints toward the closest fire hydrant. Ohhh, the paperwork on this is going to SUCK.

May looks at the lava giant causing the giant black wolf to singe quite badly, then after bracing her stance swings Fenris' sword at the hydrant with all of her strength. If she ruins this blade, she WILL actually apologize.

Baugi throws the axe aside as Fenris darts at him, grabbing the wolf with both arms and wrestling with him to the ground. Teeth bite and scratch at him but he's made of sterner stuff than most. The molten rock that must serve as some form of ichor pours through the scratches, hissing and solidifying upon the pavement. Soon, he's looking to make enough room to redouble his efforts and with a grunt of strength he heaves the Old Wolf to one side. Turning in time to spy Constantine and his pistol.

"Thou toileth in vain, sorcerer," Baugi scoffs, holding out his hand as the axe seems to magically return to it, "No tool of mortal man can fell one such as - "

But the gun goes off and the bullet strikes true. Baugi himself seems confused for a moment. He glances down at his chest, back up at Constantine and then off towards Fenris - as though a fellow creature of Nordic lore would understand just what chicanery has gone on here. He moves towards John again, only to be stopped in his track by the torrent of water May's ingenuity has doused him with. His molten flesh begins to harden to cold stone.

" - I?" The fire giant manages to rumble uncertainly before the smouldering embers that are his eyes roll back in his head and he topples over onto his back. A moment later, muffled snores rise from his slumbering form.

"Aha!" Nearby, a cry of triumph goes up as Deadpool emerges from behind a car. He holds the ruined and tattered end of his severed arm to the bloody mound of his shoulder, the flesh seeming to knit and draw itself back together in moments. He gives his fingers a tentative wiggle, reaching out to slap May on the behind as he passes her with his newly-reattached arm.

"Nice work, team! We were almost in trouble for a second there but my 'lose my arm under a Jetta' strategy worked like a charm."

He gives the slumbering Baugi a nudge with his foot. Asshole.

"Somebody hold my helmet while I teabag him. I've been on this Halo kick lately … Spar-TANS!"

Fenris staggers back to his feet. Er. Paws. He's left a decent sized dent in the building he hit. They're going to wonder exactly what kind of dog was leaning on it. "Ugh…" His fur is singed and smoking and smells awful. "Nice work May. John." He eyes Deadpool rather seriously. "Weren't you with my Sister the last time I saw you?" Though if Hel had kicked him out he couldn't exactly blame the girl.

"Blimey, teabaggin' his molten arse?" Constantine shakes his head, ejecting the magazine from his gun, inspecting the bullets in it, and switching it for a different one somewhere in his infinitely deep pockets. He slams the new magazine home and jacks a fresh round into the chamber, walking up to the slumbering giant. "Unoriginal sort of tosser, aren't you?"

"You, though- I want to know where I can buy more of those," Constantine informs Melinda. "Don't make me come looking, either, because I have a narsty habit of dropping in right at teatime and filching all the biscuits." He examines the slumbering fire-giant curiously, giving his ear a nudge with one toe, and then takes a few steps back and drops seven rounds into the side of Baugi's temple, presumably using some kind of enchanted bullet he likely 'borrowed' or stole from someone. He looks at the rest of the little ensemble.

"I like to be thorough," he says blandly.

Melinda May is honestly shocked that she was able to slice the hydrant open, and that it actually helped stop the giant. But then someone had the GALL to ninja over and slap her on the rear. She immediately throws an elbow toward where that person might be, following it withe Fenris' sword, probably right at neck height.

"Oh, yeah," Deadpool gives Fenris a finger-gun-thumbs-up and a broad grin that is mostly concealed by his mask, "She's got a lady boner for Thor and dead Vikings can't grasp the concept of Jeopardy to save their life. Answering in the form of a question isn't that hard."

He waggles his head as Constantine talks, the oversized horned helmet he wears jangling noisily along with his chainmail as he does so. "Yeah, yeah, Sting. At least my creators a cool homophobe with a pouch fetish who draws really small feet and not a … warlock or whatever."

Huh. Not sure where I was going with that one.

He ducks his head to one side out of the way of the elbow, winking at May as he steps well out of reach in case she really wants to make him pay for his mighty booty slap. He clicks his tongue as he looks at the tear in his suit from having his arm sliced off.

"Aw, man. As Michael Egan once said, I'm gonna be on the Singer all night."

Good one.


Fenris just stares at Deadpool. "John, you're familiar with this…" He sighs. "Force of negative entropy are you not?" He doesn't know what else to call Deadpool. The man breaks all kinds of rules and mouths of while he does it. And talks to voices in his head, some of whom talk back.

"What did you do to that giant that he wanted to repeatedly splatter you?"

"At least you're not a warlock?" Constantine says, hazarding his way through Deadpool's rambling verbal joust. "You smell like a six-day old hot dog in the middle of a sewer drain, and you look like a six-year old dragged his way kicking and screaming through the toy section of a dollar store and bought every knockoff soldier figure in it." He lights a cigarette up and smirks a bit contemptuously at Deadpool, before glancing at Fenris. "This blighter? Never met him before," he says, shaking his head. "Don't think I want the pleasure, either. Strikes me as the type best suited to end up in a landfill. Possibly trapped in a pocket dimension somewhere," Constantine says, contemplatively. "Oh well. There's always tomorrow." He lifts the cigaratte in a vague wave at Fenris, then starts walking towards the freestanding doorway, which everyone seems to be passing by ignorant of. He nods at Melinda. "I'll be by," he promises the woman, simply. He reaches the door and unlocks it, then with a twist of the knob and a bump of his fingers, steps through and vanishes. A few moments later, the archway vanishes too, until there's no indication it was there at all.

Melinda May waits for Deadpool to look at the tear in his suit, then swings Fenris' sword at him again, though this time she aiming to brain him with the flat of the blade.

"Just like a Moore-ite! You and Swamp Thing! Both thinking you're so great because Rob Liefeld didn't make you as a joke!"

Deadpool turns to waggle a finger at Constantine as he departs, his departing attention leaving May enough time to smack him with the sword. He's got great reflexes, though, and he turns to hold up his hand to try and stop it. Unfortunately, the blade slices right through his forearm and sends it flopping to the ground once again.

The Merc looks exasperated, looking down at the severed arm on the ground and then back at May, "Seriously?"

Fenris sighs and walks over to May. "You will keel over from exhaustion long before he's done talking. And chopping him up will not stop him I fear." The Old Wolf glares at Deadpool. "You didn't ever say what it was that made that giant angry enough to turn you into a sort of human rorschach test."

Melinda May GLARES at Deadpool for a moment longer. "Seriously." And then she straightens and very pointedly turns her back on the mouthy merc and flatly ignores him while offering Fenris's sword back to its owner.

"I'll never tell," Deadpool says, winking demurely over his shoulder at Fenris as he gathers up his twice-detached arm, "Besides, you're being a real sour puss. And Agent 99 there seems like the stick up her ass has a stick up its ass."

As he steps over the unconscious Baugi, Deadpool purposefully pauses to crouch and stand up several times. He's nothing if not true to his word. That done, he reaches into the giant's belt pouch and produces something golden and mystical looking. Before a good look can be taken, though, he disappears. Handy dandy teleporter, y'know.

Fenris becomes human once more. His coat is smoking and singed and he sighs accepting the blade back which becomes a necklace. It isn't even nicked. "How… did you end up here anyway?"

"An ice cream addicted little bastard of an imp." Okay, even with May's usual deadpan mannerisms, that sentence was … well. Some things are just too weird to make up.

"Imp?" Fenris quirks an eyebrow as he resettles himself and looks over at the normally fairly unflappable May. "Ice cream addicted Imp? I'm going to assume that's not simply a turn of phrase. I'm also going to assume that maybe you'd like to get back to New York?"

"Please." May looks at where Deadpool disappeared. Reason number five for hating Gotham: the costumed lunatics that seem to infest this city in increasing numbers every day.

With a chuckle, Fenris opens a Way and invites to May to the wonders of interdimensional travel.

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