The Master of BAD Ideas

December 4, 2014: Pepper is alerted by JARVIS that Tony's on a bender, so she goes to talk him down and recruits Cricket to help.

Stark Tower, Penthouse




Mood Music:

Tony cannot see straight.

This is an important starting point for this situation because he is currently in the middle of a binge drinking session that has the potential to eclipse anything that has come before it. Let's diagnosis this situation, shall we?

Currently: He's standing the middle of the penthouse apartment in one of the Iron Man armors with a bottle of twenty five year old scotch open beside a glass that hasn't been actually used since earlier this afternoon. Right now he's just drinking straight from the crystal, turning it up as Lynard Skynard croons as loud as can be across the speakers to: Simple Man.

The fact that he is 100% alone up in the penthouse doesn't seem to bother him in the slightest as he *clank*clank*clank*'s around in a terrible dancing number to the music.


Pepper received the 'Pickle in a can' warning from JARVIS just a few minutes ago. She sighs, puts on a pair of sneakers, and calls Cricket while she's on her way to Tony's penthouse. "We're going to need coffee and some food. Starchy or greasy. Or both."

She can hear the Lynyrd Skynyrd BEFORE the elvator doors open. That's impressive. "JARVIS, if you'll lower the music volume gradually, I would really appreciate it."

"Of course, Miss Potts."

So, at one undoubtedly graceful turn in Tony's Dance of Much Sloshness +7, he'll see Pepper standing there with her arms crossed. She's not angry but neither is she amused. She's mostly worried. And maybe a little disappointed.


JARVIS alerts Cricket to Tony's state as well. She looks up to the ceiling and sighs. And then Ms. Potts calls on her as well. She comes out of the side office to Pepper's own and politely to her boss when the orders are given.

"I'll head down straight away to the commisary and see what they have available, Ms. Potts."

Heading down the elevator, Cricket looks up to the ceiling. She knows that's not where JARVIS is, but it's symbollic. "And to think, I was originally programmed to kill him. Seems to me, he was well on the way of doing my job for me."


People don't give Tony enough credit. Or maybe they give him too much. WHichever the case, he's well in the midst of ruining any good PR they may have established with this current situational campaigne. Strutting around his apartment, one metal armored hand clutched around a bottle of scotch and the other waving out to the side to the music as he metalically whines to each dance note.

When Pepper appears in the open elevator she receives a huge grin! "Pep!" Shouted over the music, headed her way with his arms open wide, "I have this brilliant idea! How awesome would it be if Howard was my ilegitimate son?" Forget decorum Tony, just dive right into it, amirite?

I'll be over here with the popcorn.


"That's… actually something I wanted to talk to you about. But not right now." Pepper reaches to try and get the crystal decanter out of Tony's gauntleted hand. "I'm guessing you haven't eaten yet… why ARE you wearing your armor right now?" Pickled Tony usually varies widely, and this version — happy go lucky and frenetic — is one of the most difficult to deal with simply because he won't. stand. still.


Down in the cafeteria of the Stark Industries building, Cricket gets a whole decanter of coffee, made strong as she can while still being palatable. For starchy and greasy, she makes french fries. It takes a little while for her to make them, as she needs to find information on how to use the deep fat fryer. Oddly enough, that was not one of the things that was put into her vast library of knowledge.

Once she is loaded up with freshly squeezed orange juice, coffee and all the fixin's for it and french fries with the sauces that Tony prefers, Cricket makes her way back into the elevator.


"Ah.. ah… ahhh…" Tony intones quietly, pulling his hand away as Pepper tries to retrieve the decanter of scotch from him. Pulling it just an inch away from her and dancing in a metalic circle towards the counter while turning it up for another long drink, "Not so fast missy." He accuses, eyeing her through the awkward lenses of a man half in the suit that actually makes him a superhero. Through the fog that makes him a debacherous fool…

Tony is complicated.

"I want my father to be my son! I deserve this, Pepper." He stresses, strutting across the room in Beyonce style (all the single ladies for your edification), "I deserve this."


Pepper sighs hopefully too quietly to be heard past the music. "Tony, you deserve a chance to figure out a way to make this bizarre situation workable for everyone involved. Including you. But this isn't the way to do that. You're just going to feel worse tomorrow." She doesn't try to take the decanter away again, at least. Though she does start to wonder if Cricket got lost somewhere along the way.


Finally coming out of the elevator, Cricket arches a brow at the sight. Yes, her great nemesis, in all his glory. She questions her father/creator's sanity, not for the first time since she has met with Tony Stark.

She takes a deep breath and enters the room. "Hello, Mr. Stark. I hope you're hungry. French fries, fresh out of the fryer."


"I have thought this through completely, Pepper!" Tony assures her in a voice elevated by his intoxication, "This is the only way I can accept this. Being the unapproachable asshole that he was!" He sighs and drains a good half the decanter in his begauntleted hand and slams it down a little too hard on the counter top.

"How can the world be this… this…" Flailing his hands up beside his head, "Your terrible father is back from the dead Tony, how do you feel about that?!" Growling, groaning, maybe slurring… probably slurring. "I feel very unappreciative world, thanks for asking oh shit, who ordered fries?"

Right over towards Cricket, "Are you new?" I know who you are, he's drunk, disregard him. "Or single?"


Pepper looks over when Cricket arrives and tilts her head toward the coffee table. "Come on, Tony. Take your armor off so you can eat some french fries." Yes, that is a condition of getting the food. Armor must be returned to storage. She tries to get a hold of the slippery eel that is DrunkTony again, though it likely doesn't look like she's really trying because she isn't. She knows better. "Thank you, Cricket… wait, did you fix those fresh?" God, the last thing she needs is french fries, but they smell AMAZING.


The fact that Tony has never remembered Cricket from the last time she has seen him is starting to not come as a surprise to her anymore. "Mr. Stark, believe me when I tell you that the only part of you that interests me is your mind." She starts putting the tray on the table and gets the food out for him.

She looks over to Pepper and nods her head. "Of course, Miss Potts. The commissary was closed this time of night. Luckily, I have the authority to access it after hours. I needed to learn how to use the fryer. I apologize if I was longer then you needed."

Pursing her lips, Cricket decides to use Tony's lechery against him. She turns to him and smiles coyly, batting her lashes. "Come on, Tony. Come eat with me. Just take off the suit and I'll feed them to you by hand." She then winks to Tony with a smile that promises so much more.

A quick, apologetic glance to Pepper is coupled with a shrug, hoping that her boss will forgive her this deception.


That worked?

Pepper said something, Tony.

Stop talking, that worked.

Pepper, said, something, Tony.

I heard her brain… but this worked.

No it didn't Tony.

Yes it did brain. It worked. She's going to feed me french fries.

No Tony, she's not.

… disappointment.

"Fine…" Tony intones quietly and starts towards the workshop, head hanging, "But I want someone to feed me french fries."


Pepper just blinks, looking back and forth from Cricket to Tony and back. She's honestly floored. That … worked. It worked frighteningly well. She watches Tony until he's completely disappeared into his workshop then looks at Cricket. "Okay. I'm impressed. But you do realize that now you have to keep your end of that bargain, right?"


Once Tony leaves the room, Cricket turns to Pepper. "I do apologize, Ms. Potts. His flirtatious nature is so well known though, I thought we could use it to our advantage. I was originally programmed to seduce Tony and then kill him when he was most defenseless, so… I can feed him. I just hope you don't fire me for this."

She starts making coffee, just the way Tony likes it. The advantage to having JARVIS talking inside her head is that he can inform her of his precise preferences. "I'm waiting, Tony," she coos.


"I'm coming!" Tony shouts, not realizing the connotations.

JARVIS doesn't remind him.

His player realizes there might be a line and he might have crossed it.

Tony doesn't care.

When he returns he's dressed down. T-Shirt and sweat pants. And he flops into one of the sofas with a sigh and rubs his face.


Pepper is very glad to see Tony starting to wind down, and because she started it, Cricket is allowed to do the Tony-minding completely without assistance. Instead, she goes to find some aspirin. She knows he'll need it tomorrow, and he's got to have some stashed around here somewhere.


Cricket sits on the couch, coquettishly feeding her boss's boss french fries and coffee. She leans in and whispers sweet nothings in his ear, all the things he likes to stroke his ego, the only thing bigger then the brain that she admires. While Pepper has told her that she's forgiven, she hopes that JARVIS will be equally forgiving. Or Dr. Trent.

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