Put some Mustard on it!

February 28, 2015: Spider-Man, Longshot, and Spearhead band together to battle the terror of a bad lunch. Lunair on emits.

Near the Beach in NYC

The Big Apple



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Mood Music:

The weather has been pretty crappy, like Mother Nature just phoned it in, and sat with her cats and Netflix. The sun, with a sigh, peeks forlornly behind grey clouds, promptly decides it can't even and just glimmers dimly behind the clouds. Dark blue waters lap at the docks, at ferries and boats. There's a few folks braving the cold to see sights, while a few stodgy fishermen come in with their morning catches to unload them. Others bring in trade from faraway lands, harkening back to Silk Roads and spats over trade routes. Some ships dwarf the others, with immense boxes (cars?! Goodies!?) and cargo unnamed. There's likely some smuggling going on, but that's not the focus.

No, our lens zooms on into the parts of the harbor with snack stands, cheerfully pandering to whomever will come by. Nothing seems amiss, not at first. Until one gets to a seafood stall near the fish vendors. … are those fish sticks marching Pink Floyd Wall-style off towards a stand with a bunch of condiments?!


"Just a few photographs," Peter Parker posits to some of the union workers who have been threatening strike lately. This is part of Peter's personal pet project to move away from the Spider-Man pics and become a REAL PHOTOGRAPHER. It's a never ending battle with Jameson, who just wants more and more evidence of Spider-Man so that he can rail on the young hero in the press.

Peter peeks down at his camera, getting ready to take a candid shot of one of the workers when he notices the flashing bar of gloom. His batteries are almost out—oops. Now they are. The camera goes blank.


Longshot had been hoping for a bright and sunny day, something with some cool waves and a chance to check out chicks in bikinis. That is what all beaches were like, according to the Mojoverse, and Longshot had been quite disappointed to learn that things were different, here on Earth, where not everything was designed explicitly for the entertainment of others.

Plus, he needed to hang eight a few times if he wanted to do well in his audition for the part of Nick Rivers in "Top Secret 2: The Search for Mon Dieu's Gold".

Still, he never lets asnything keep him down for long and he starts idly doing some dancing in the rain, playfully splashing his boots around, backflipping over a bike rack at one point. WIth a sword sheathed on his back. So…yeah, he probably sticks out a bit.

Mikial is in his usuall light clothes, clothes that most people would be beyond shivering in, I mean, who else waers a T-shirt and blue-jeans in /this/ weather?!? Mikial, thats who, maybe he just somehow shrugs off the cold, maybe he has a skrew loose, who knows….. He's fishing of the beach, pole holders in the sand, the poles sensative to the bites, he is watching about three rods in his lineup, watching for fish…….

Fish stick, fish stick march! They seem to be forming up into a military formation and - growing? Giant - fishsticks marching like pairs of legs, ominously towards another food stand. "I'm going to relish my revenge…" And indeed, a man in a black suit with a crown in the center of his chest and cylinders of - are those condiments? - well, enough cylinders to make the 90s nostalgia stay away for awhile. Bottles are for plebes.
"Fool! You're about to go on a high-pain diet." Pause. Did that even make sense? Nevermind. No time for sense. The fishsticks are now human sized and animated, stomping (do fish sticks goose stomp…?) towards the stand the man and his cylinder loaded gun are behind. And it starts. A couple of fish sticks dive at the stand, while the man in the black suit runs back and blasts the fish sticks with ketchup. Civilians nearby just - kind of blink. Stare. A couple get smart phones out… "WANT FISHSTICKS!" One little girl hops and points. Then, there's a man in a hot dog suit emerging behind the fish sticks. Oh boy. He's got a huge frying pan staff. It's on now.

"Oh what in sam-hell?" Peter asks as he sees the food grow and march and find formation over the shoulder of one the shipyard workers. No, there's no income here. Just more villainy. And he hasn't even had lunch yet.

Peter makes a show of it, that whole empty battery thing, throwing a minor little hissy fit. In all, it's just a ruse to get a block over and into the alleyway. And like that, Peter Parker is gone, replaced by a familiar foe in red and blue, the scourge of all of New York. The evil, the deplorable: Spider-Man.

Longshot pauses in mid-leap, catching his hand on the back of a bus-bench and hanging upside down, perfectly balanced on the palm of his hand as he sees the scene happening before him. The giant, breaded stick-men seem suspicious enough on their own, especially given their tendency to march. No good comes from stomping feet in formation, unless it was halftime at one of those human helmet-knocking gladiatorial sports.

And then comes the man with the ketchup guns, unleashing his barrage of sweet tomato violence, and Longshot finally completes his somersault to land on his feet. He's not sure if he should intervene or not, although he was quite certain that he was, at the least, very, very hungry. He puts a hand on his stomach as it growls.

A fishing pole twitches, Mikial is on it in a second, reeling it in, not small, not huge, average catch, then, he hears something he cannot place, and looks behind him, "Wha……" He says, with both a confused look on his face, and a smile, and trying his best to not burst out laughing, manageing to only let out a scoff that verges on a chuckle. He unhooks his fish, holds it by the gills, and walks over, seeing weather this is a street performance or what, and he feels hungry now, too.

The two seem to be locked in a foodian feud, the likes of which has not been seen since the last Alton Brown video posted. It is a very dangerous fight. A food fight. The most dangerous food fight. Very perilous, really. Especially if one happens to be on a diet! But everyone knows that diet is DIE with a T, so unless you're German (or a Germanic language speaking person), it's pretty ominous.

This isn't really a huge, epic fight. It's just a tribute to an epic fight. And the two seem deadly serious about it. It's sort of like a bunch of teenagers slapping one another with noodles set to dramatic music. The ketchup does seem to slow the fish sticks down, as does a few blasts of mayo. The Foodomancer is not so easily stalled! He summons a couple of giant, powder sugar bearing FUNNELCAKES! Condiments (eat safely, everyone!), fish stick bits and funnel cake parts are everywhere as the King kicks at the food. A couple of civilians are caught in the crossfire, one woman in white getting ketchuped and some of them are fleeing.

But not all of them. The little girl pouts, stomps and kicks a fish stick over. "Mandy!" Savagely, she takes a bite, although the fish stick is flailing and it's a bit of a battle between mom, fish stick and hungry child. Some property damage is happening too, as a food stand is flipped and hot fries lobbed at the Foodomancer along with a ketchup barrage. "You can't cut the mustard, Foodomancer!"

"I…" Spider-Man's voice trails as he arrives on the scene, sticking to the wall of a building. "I don't even know what to say. I'm speechless. And trust me, that's a first." He exhales, wondering exactly how to proceed. Shrugging his shoulders he begins to web strategically to minimize danger to civilians and property. This means the fish stick who is getting eaten is attempted to be pulled out of the proximity of the two humans.

Longshot wrinkles his nose at the mayonnaise. Disgusting. Humans were such odd creatures. How could they eat this seemingly snot-based concoction, much less ruin perfectly good bologna with it? Horrifying.
He draws a throwing blade from his bandolier and, with a casual flick of his wrist, flings it, richocheting off of a shopping cart and the smiling face on the metal sign to "Big Tony's Big Sausage-In-A-Bun" (which bears an eerie resemblance to Ron Jeremy in a chef's hat) until the blade finally lodges itself properly to jam up the gears of the condiment gun, sparing both civilians and himself the presence of any more noxious saucing.

"Well, now I know who to look for for catering….. I guess…." Mikial says, then shakes his head and walks into this, "There are a few kinds of crazy, this is the kind that you just shake your head and wonder what kind of meds their on…." Mikial says drawing a blade and casually carveing off a chunk of a fish stick as he takes out his telescopeing billy-club from it's belt-mounted pocket, and walks up to the food-whats-his-face, "Come here, and stop that." Mikial says, almost sounding as if scorning a child.

The mother of Mandy The Bitey (no relation to Genghis Khan) shrugs helplessly at Spider-Man, trying to pull a hungry, small child off her food. She's pretty sure parents lose fingers this way. Fortunately, Mandy fights with all the power of ONE SMALL HUMAN CHILD (although, parents may testify that this is a vastly underestimated unit of strength and increases exponentially with the child's determination to do what it is they want to do). The condiments are barraging the food items, which are now joined by some sandwiches spewing lettuce at people. HRRAAARWWRK (what? You try thinking up these noises. gosh). One woman is stopped from fleeing, a tomato around her hula-hoop style. Fortunately, our very heroic arachnid-man will pry the fishstick away with mom's help. "You don't know where that's been, honey!"

Guess Foodomancer is serious. The Condiment king looks horrified as the blade lodges in his gun. Oh hell. Well, then. He's going manual, Lunch-Lady-Style (2015 remix) and grabs a couple of bottles off his waist. And a back up gun. "Are you KIDDING ME!?" He dual wields! It's more flashy, you know? Though, his back up is a singular bottle model and probably a lot less messy. At least the mayo stopped. "Don't as-salt us! We're battling!" Legitimately! "You're peppering the battlefield with needless targets!" Foodomancer stares.

"Don't be so rye, we ARE serious." He sics a sandwich after Mikial. It spews a stream of lettuce at him. And now that Longshot has riled up Condiment King, he's about to get to ketchup with it all. A red stream BLATS at him.

As the lettuce spits out, Spider-Man begins firing his webshooters the best he can to attempt to snatch and pull the leaves back towards him and out of the battle. Sure, lettuce is crunchy and a delicious addition to a sandwich, but this could be lethal here!

Longshot finally just settles back to watch, sitting on the back of the bench and observing the action. He has his sword on hand, in case any particularly threatening bits of food start heading his way, but he trusts that its presence is enough tow ard them off. Plus, Spider-Man is on the case and he's Spider-Man on television before. This seems much more like his sort of problem - he was always dealing with Goblins and Rhinos and Scorpions and it seemed like this thing was bound to attract Ants, at the very least.

Mikial keeps himself from laughing as he ducks to avoid getting messy, and then, "Alright, I tried asking you nicely, for the sake of fresh food, and sanitation…." Mikial thwacks foodie-man across the back of his neck with the baton, it ought to smart pretty good.

IT GOES STRAIGHT TO YOUR THIGHS IT DOES. The sandwich is miffed and chases Spider-Man now. … do spiders really worry about their thighs? Do spiders even HAVE thighs? It is a mystery.
Although, it's a sandwich. Long and easily webbed. Condiment King pauses, staring at Longshot. "You look so thin! Do EAT SOMETHING, DEAR!" He grabs a funnel cake and flings it at the swordsman. Mandy is trying to grab a bite, but her mom just picks her up and hauls her off. Run! Most of the civilians are gone by this point. And fortunately for Mikial, the Foodomancer is distracted. His head makes a solid CLONK noise as he's hit about the back of the neck with the baton. It's like a coconut battling a car. CLONK. The Foodomancer falls forward, stunned. The sandwich chasing Spiderman jerks, twitching. FINISH HIM!

The food mage is stunned, and it wouldn't be too hard to take his staff. There's even the sounds of sirens a few blocks away by this point. The cops are probably giggling uncontrollably.

Spidey pulls into a sideways run, defying gravity as he runs along the wall. Just as he's about to get hit by the sandwich, he webs away across the street, putting more space between him and his adversary. With the extra time, he takes aim and fires a grip of webbing at the Condiment King's face, "What's that?! Had your fill?!"

Longshot swats aside the funnel cake with his sword, "The camera adds ten pounds! Anyway, I'm not thin, I'm svelte, lean and 'with a body that melts panties', according to celebrity photo-blogger Lady Pawpaw! She or it wrote on the internet that I would be the big coming thing next year! I'M ONE OF TWENTY YOUNG STUDS TO WATCH!" he declares.

Mikial takes the staff from food-man, he almost breaks it in half over his knee, but then stops, "Hell, I'll give it to a homeless shelter, surely they could use something like this…" and tosses it out of the food fight, then, thwacks the 'food mage once more, to make sure he stays out for awhile, a bit of a lighter tap, before rushing the other guy, who the Spider-man is webbing, Mikial doesn't want to steal the take down, so instead of neck thwacking, he slides feet first alongside him, placeing a blow across the Condiment-slinger's shins.

Fortunately, while they CAN be potentially lethal, there's enough hero types nearby to keep this food fight from becoming a fatality fight (FINISH THEM!). Condiment King wargharbles as his face is webbed. "AAOHGODSPIDERWEBONMYFAC-" Wargharble! Web on the face! One of nature's most terrifying sensations!

The Foodomancer stares at Longshot skeptically. Tiiiilting his head. "I - uh." Hawkward. He really doesn't have a comeback for that. Neither does the Condiment King who got a face fulla web and runs around, flailing like a weasel on crack in a rave. Adding insult to injury, his shins get thwacked. Ow ow, more flailin. He ends up tripping over one of the flailing fish sticks and landing face first, backside in the air.

And the food mage is indeed out for awhile. The two aren't going anywhere. Not like this. Hooray! Justice dudes! Panty melting- um… uh. The narrator is so done with this.

Spider-Man stands triumphantly; so proud of what he's accomplished. Hands on hips, surveying. The sun even peeks out of the clouds just a bit. That is before he's nailed from behind by the sandwich that he forgot about and taken clean off his feet.

Longshot shakes his head as he watches the Keystone Kops shenanigans and general falderal of these dastardly doyennes of derring-do. He couldn't, in all honest, grant them more than three stars - the pratfalls were pretty good and the dialogue was excellent, but the lingering smell of exploded hot dog cart. He had no idea how humans could eat half the things they did. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a stick of margarine, talking a large bite and chewing absent-mindedly. Now, what had he been doing?

Mikial stands up and looks at his pants, he slid right through some condiments, "Well, thats messy, think I'll just buy new….." He collapses the baton, and searches for the fish he dropped at the beggining of this, he finds it in a pile of ketsup, looking up at him as if to say, 'just end my humiliation now' and Mikial pulls out his knife, and dispatches it with a stab in the brain, twisting it to scramble the neurons inside, a very quick death. Mikial now takes a look around him. A nod and "Hey…" to each of the other people who were fighting too.

Spidey, I just met you, and this is crazy, here's my sandwich, so - wait, no. That's so not comics code compliant. The sandwich just flops on Spidey, since Mikial/Spearhead has the magic frying pan staff. That sandwich just wanted to be loved.

And hey, be nice. He only fell /once/. Wait, nevermind. Condiment King is on the ground, looking like he's had better days. Foodomancer is out cold, and JUSTICE has triumphed today. A thoroughly embarrassed fish has been dispatched from this world into the next. Maybe he'll do better next time. With that, and a few odd stares at Mikial, THE FISH STABBER, the cops will arrive long after our heroes have conveniently dispersed and arrest the two baddies.

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